A Helpless Soul

  Embedded above is a general overview of the Eightfold Path in Buddhism. While reflecting on it, I felt it’s more complex than it needs to be. That’s not to say it isn’t valuable—it is—but for me, a simpler model emerged that made more sense. As discussed earlier, Buddhism talks about the three poisons and their antidotes. The problem is, most people consume both—poisons and antidotes—without being aware that they are fueling two engines simultaneously  - loop of clarity and the loop of confusion. Or in other words, a blood thirsty murderer is also capable of great kindness simultaneously. He just needs the trigger to be kind. Similarly a kind soul is also capable of great atrocities, he just need the trigger to do so. The two loop model of confusion and clarity, suggests that through awareness and intention, it is possible to avoid the loop of confusion.  Right view leads to right aspiration, which leads to right action, and loops back to the right view. Enter at any p...

  As I had mentioned in an earlier post, someone once told me, "What is the point of saying sorry now?" That very phrase keeps popping up in my mind again and again. I don't remember the exact details about the day everything collapsed — only fragments. I remember clearly what I did that caused the explosion, but the day my world actually fell apart is just vague flashes. And yet, the fragments are vivid even today. I don’t remember if I was standing or sitting, crying or acting stoic. I don’t remember whether it happened before I ran, or after. But what I remember with absolute clarity is the meaning behind it — the curse intertwined in those words, and how it crushed my soul. But no — you are guilty! How can you be so affected? That is what my mother implied when she said, "Why are you acting like this?" It echoes every time I think about it, accusing me, telling me that I don't have the right to feel like this. The only thing that kept me from fal...

  Embedded above is a video of a Buddhist monk talking about the Three Poisons of Life — greed, hatred, and delusion. What struck me was how closely it lines up with a teaching from the Bhagavad Gita: “There are three gates leading to the hell of self-destruction for the soul—lust, anger, and greed. Therefore, one should abandon all three.” — Gita, Chapter 16, Verse 21 Different words, same message. Both point to the same inner enemies that quietly eat you alive. The Gita talks in more detail about lust and anger, and discusses delusion in other places — usually tied to ego, pride, or false identity. Buddhism uses the word rāga , often translated as greed, but really it points to craving of all kinds. Lust, greed, the need to possess, the desire to escape — it's all in there. So when you put it all together, what you're left with are three poisons: Desire Hate Delusion Upon discovering this, They do seem to connect to the guilt and shame I’ve been carrying and so I am wr...

  As I mentioned in an earlier post, I’ve been on a personal search to understand guilt and shame—feelings that have stayed with me for a long time. I went through video after video, article after article, and noticed one common thread: most of them assume you don’t deserve the guilt or shame you’re carrying. I found that approach shallow, even frustrating, it assumes you're wrong to feel what you feel, when your own mind knows the guilt is earned. One suggestion I came across was to list all the good you’ve done on one side, and the bad on the other, to evaluate whether you “deserve” to feel guilt and shame. I find that insulting. People don’t feel guilt because of a label—they feel it because of a specific incident, a real mistake that changed how they see themselves.  If society forces a shame without the underlying incident, it would be in our instinct to reject the notion (unless others controlled the environment too). In my opinion, in most cases, for most people, they...

  My reflection today begins with a story about a monk who kept helping a scorpion, even after it repeatedly stung him. When asked why, the monk said, “It is in the scorpion’s nature to sting, but it is in my nature to help.” That story lingers in my mind when I think about the things I’ve done—things I knew were wrong, but did anyway. It wasn’t just a lapse in judgment; it was a pattern born of ignorance and delusion. Back then, it was my nature—shaped by blindness. I stung like the scorpion, hurting those I loved without even understanding why. Eventually, the consequences caught up with me. My mother was in tears and my father was beyond angry. He has always left parenting to my mother and had never punished me, but on that day his anger was out of control, he had punched me and he was right in doing so. I didn't mind his violence but the deep hurt which I had caused them, hurt me too. I found myself drowning in sorrow and regret, unable to tell right from wrong, up from down. I...

  I recently watched a video that explained how the brain can exhibit dream-like activity for 30 seconds to a minute after death, followed by more chaotic, noise-like brain activity that may persist for several hours postmortem. That initial 30-second window has been shown to activate the same brain regions involved in visual imagery, memory recall, and dreaming. Because of this, people have drawn parallels between it and what gets described in near-death experiences — things like seeing your life flash before your eyes, witnessing a bright light, feeling a sense of “going home,” or entering a lucid, dreamlike state where you feel yourself leaving your body. Some say they could see or hear what was happening around them. Others didn’t really understand what was going on, but were somehow aware that they were dying. These experiences, often dismissed as hallucinations, might actually come from the brain’s final attempt to process its own shutdown — a strange mix of memory, emoti...

  It’s hard to define shame. I’ve watched countless videos—people trying to explain it, name it, wrap it in words—and it still never quite lands for me.  If you’ve read my earlier posts, you might’ve seen the aftermath of something I did.  Something I did that wrecked my life. But I never told what it was that I did. Why is it easier to say “I’m guilty” or “I want to die” than to say what I had done? That is Shame. In the “ Three Layer Model of right or wrong ” I mentioned before, shame tends to live in Layer 3—the layer of mass morality, the one shaped by society’s virtues. When you violate the values of this layer, the easiest solution isn’t to fix what you did—it’s to hide it. Bury it. Cover it with silence. Take, for example, an embarrassing illness—like an STD or a skin condition. It may not bring guilt, but it brings shame. Why? Because society might judge you, even if you did nothing wrong. Shame is a self-defense mechanism—built through years of social conditionin...

  I had a discussion with father once about planning. He said he has given up on planning, since nothing ever goes according to plan. Even though I agree that plans rarely go our way, I disagree that we shouldn't plan.  In my opinion, We don't make a plan to know where we will end up. Instead we make a plan to perform actions that needs to be done. The outcome is not in our hands, we may have chosen the wrong path, but a plan gives an internal logic why that path is right for us. But this is easier done than said. Any plan we make is in the hope of attaining a goal, with the hope to achieve a particular outcome. We humans have a tendency to find the biggest problem that we can see and try to find a solution to that problem. And if we don't find an answer to that problem, It becomes an itch that we can never get rid off.  This might be the reason why young ones are more happier than adults. They have fewer itches since they have fewer problems to solve. When it comes to re...

  As mentioned in my previous posts, I have been in a place where simply existing felt wrong. I had also noted that it was my parents, setting aside their own fury, gave me the intention to continue living. But it alone was not enough, Don't get me wrong, it was a major factor but it alone was not sufficient. When I was not talking to them, when I was alone, My mind would constantly tell me me to end it all. If my mind was a person, our legal system would have jailed it for abetment of suicide. Even after I decided to live till my parent's death, still it tempted, asking why bother, you won't feel their pain. The mind was unstable, it didnt give me strength to stand with my decision to not hurt my parents more than I already had. So I needed help, since I had already meditated in the past at an unrelated time, under the supervision of Sri Sri Ravishankar and other Gurus, I already knew how. I knew that it might help me calm my mind. I did practice it intentionally and for a...

This particular post is different than what I have written so far.  The previous posts were posts which are my thoughts, But this post is not about something I have experienced or understood completely. While I will share my experiences and give my own thoughts, many of the views which is shared is an active reflection. It is not thought through, it is not concluded if you will. It is actively influenced as the different information I am receiving. I have been open in my previous posts about the guilt I carry and my view that I should be ending my life after my parents pass away. This was decided years ago, I don't cry much thinking about what had happened, but my eyes do well up momentarily. But it is no reflection of the damage I do to myself. Initially this was so bad that the people who love me, but still had fury against me asked, "why are you acting like the victim?" I didnt have an answer, All I knew was I was not acting, so didn't feel bad. Back then I didn...

  One thing that has haunted my mind for decades, is what is the purpose of life if death is an eventuality? Anything we do become pointless and therefore meaningless. Why not end it all today? Or in other words, what value is there in life, if anything and everything we do is for nothing? Value is something that our conscious mind attaches to something we desire. As a Buddhist story goes, a student of Buddha takes a stone to a local market and people offer him nothing, He takes the same to an auction and people offer him large money and he takes to the wealthiest person and he offers him large real-estate. Such is value, its in the eye of the beholder. Why would life be any different? It is not even tangible, it is simply a state of your being. Now you can assign it a value saying it is god given, or that it is incredibly rare, or that it is conditional on events that happen in your life. But these are all values you assign it. If you assign it value, then it becomes valuable. So ...

As shown in my previous posts, I don't discourage suicide but I do encourage to think the consequences of it.  Across the world, most religions claim that God exists and that after death, He will judge your actions — rewarding you with heaven or punishing you with hell. And almost every god in every religion unilaterally condemns suicide. So I think, it is important to reflect  on this before deciding to end it all.  Despite never truly believing in God, I did experience something I can only describe as His presence. It happened during a time when I felt completely severed from my family. For that brief chapter of my life, I was utterly alone — at least in my mind. No parents, no siblings, no friends. They did eventually show compassion and forgave what they could when I reached out. But in the space between cutting myself off and reconnecting, there was a deafening sense of loss — a weight that crushed my very soul. It was as if I had been orphaned by every living being...

In my post " A plea to consider living " I had talked about my personal decision to check out once my parents pass away. We also talked about how asking a troubled soul to wait, saying it will pass, is like asking someone touching a hot flame to wait, which validates why it okay to want to leave suffering behind but we didnt discuss whether it is the right thing to do or not. I had proposed a multi layered model which decides what is right and what is wrong in the post " what is right and what is wrong? ". Using this model, we use intent as an anchor and weigh that intent against three layers -  Personal benefit, Societal benefit and Virtue benefit.  Please do read the post if you want more details on my thoughts about it. So using this model to determine whether "self checkout" is right and wrong, we need to consider the intent behind it. The intent in my case is to find peace from life which is both meaningless and suffering. I personally believe that de...

In the video I shared from the channel Unsolicited Advice , the host discussed the views of the philosopher Nietzsche, who believed that morality defines what is right and wrong—what is good and what is evil. It was one of the few well-articulated philosophies I’ve come across on the subject in YouTube. While I agree with Nietzsche to some extent, I don’t believe morality is the only factor that defines what is good or bad/right or wrong. Morality is just one layer in the broader question of right and wrong, but it plays a significant role in how we define “good” and “bad.”  It alone doesnt explain why people engage in activities which they themselves considers wrong. It can only be explained if there was an opposing force which told them it is the right thing to do. And so it can only be explained with a  multi-layered approach. Where One layer says it is wrong, but an another layer says it is right for him to do.  Let’s take the example of rape to examine that behavior ...