Don't Get over it

 

As I had mentioned in an earlier post, someone once told me, "What is the point of saying sorry now?"
That very phrase keeps popping up in my mind again and again.

I don't remember the exact details about the day everything collapsed — only fragments.
I remember clearly what I did that caused the explosion, but the day my world actually fell apart is just vague flashes.

And yet, the fragments are vivid even today.
I don’t remember if I was standing or sitting, crying or acting stoic.
I don’t remember whether it happened before I ran, or after.
But what I remember with absolute clarity is the meaning behind it — the curse intertwined in those words, and how it crushed my soul.

But no — you are guilty!
How can you be so affected?
That is what my mother implied when she said, "Why are you acting like this?"
It echoes every time I think about it, accusing me, telling me that I don't have the right to feel like this.

The only thing that kept me from falling off the edge back then was knowing I wasn't lying — not to myself, not to anyone. I didn't answer her, but at the same time, I couldn't let it go either.

I agree — it is the victims who should be traumatized.
And I think about them all the time. But the truth is, I don’t know whether they are traumatized or not.
They were silent when I told them I wouldn't be bothering them again, that I wouldn't come near them, that I would stay out of their sight. They didn’t tell me how they felt or whether they forgave me, and I suspect they didn’t. I don’t know how they are now.

I helped them financially when my father couldn't, but I insisted that my father continue to be the one sending the money, even if it cost more. I don't know whether they know that it was me who funded them — but even if they don't, it doesn't matter to me.

Because I had my own hidden agenda:
The more I funded them, the more distance there would be between them and my parents.
And the more I could visit my parents.

I tried my best to keep my promise to stay away. But during one visit, my parents surprised me.
My father, in a panic, suddenly needed money. I was happy to help him — until I realized he had abruptly decided they should come back.

When I learned this, I wanted to leave immediately. But my mother insisted that I stay — said my father would be sad if I didn’t. I was left with two choices, break my promise or hurt my parents again.

And so, I chose to fail in my promise too. I tried to avoid them as much as possible, staying inside, minimizing every movement. But complete avoidance was next to impossible. Every day during that visit was a reminder of what had happened.

I only found relief when my holidays ended and I was finally able to leave.

Which is why my retirement plan, after my parents' passing, gives me confidence. It confirms to me that after I turn off, everyone will be in a better place with no more accidents.

I have not returned to visit my parents since then. But my parents continue to expect me to visit, and I keep lying saying I will come. So far they are not suspecting the lie, but they do expect a visit, I hope they are not there when I do.

As I have written before, I need to survive until my parents pass away. And I need to do it peacefully — to make sure I don't end up in the supposed hell we had discussed previously.

To survive, I need to address these recurring memories — the never-ending fear, the anxiousness, the shame, the guilt. 

I believe now that I was traumatized, which is why I have trouble letting it go.  I believe this because I am naturally gifted in forgetting, even forgetting important things - forgetting things which others remember as bad for me or would prove I was innocent  but this specific incident continues to haunt me even after so many years.

This is explained well in the video which is embedded above. Here’s a quick breakdown of how trauma affects the brain:

• The amygdala, the brain’s fear center, becomes hyperactive. This leads to a heightened state of alertness — constant anxiety, even without danger.

• The hippocampus, crucial for forming and retrieving memories, shrinks — causing fragmented, distorted, and intrusive memories.

• The prefrontal cortex, responsible for rational thinking, decision making, and impulse control, shows reduced activity.

• Stress hormones flood the body, locking it into fight, flight, or freeze mode even when the immediate threat is gone.

I can associate myself with at least three of these four points. I don’t believe I was ever irrational, I believe my choice of death and the reason to delay it was both rational. I always had impulse control due to my unmedicated ADHD,  but it also let's me hyper focus for the period in which I am interested in a subject. 

I think all of it is inter-related. I suspect, my hyper-focus with the anxiousness helped with my rationality. Impulsivity has always been a problem with it, and saw even though I did end up angry and sad quicker during the initial days, It was just a slightly more deep version of what was normal.

Thankfully, time has dulled the edge. The negative effects are not as massive as they once were. I no longer assume calls from unknown numbers are dangerous. I don't end up crying randomly.
My stress levels have dropped dramatically compared to the earlier years. Which is why I am able to reflect go back to the incident without completely breaking down. 

Depression still exists — but if I keep my mind occupied, it doesn’t surface unless triggered by a new external stress. During one of those episodes, I tried anti-depressants. They dulled the depression, but in a meaningless way, and didn’t help much with my ADHD.

I take them when things are out of control, but I prefer dealing  with my thoughts than just feeling an empty non-depression.

The video also reinforced my belief that meditation is a key therapy for guilt, shame, and trauma. Meditation seems to be one of the therapies recommended by psychologists for Trauma. I am sure a person affected by trauma would also often suffer from guilt and shame and so I am more confident than ever.

They also discussed  other therapies like EMDR and CBT, but since I suspect those are not techniques you can perform yourself. I will be looking more into it to confirm.

For now, meditation remains the primary way for me to heal. However I am lapsing again with my meditations. I need to be more disciplined.