You are Guilty
This particular post is different than what I have written so far. The previous posts were posts which are my thoughts, But this post is not about something I have experienced or understood completely. While I will share my experiences and give my own thoughts, many of the views which is shared is an active reflection. It is not thought through, it is not concluded if you will. It is actively influenced as the different information I am receiving.
I have been open in my previous posts about the guilt I carry and my view that I should be ending my life after my parents pass away. This was decided years ago, I don't cry much thinking about what had happened, but my eyes do well up momentarily. But it is no reflection of the damage I do to myself. Initially this was so bad that the people who love me, but still had fury against me asked, "why are you acting like the victim?"
I didnt have an answer, All I knew was I was not acting, so didn't feel bad. Back then I didn't realize it, but I was a victim, because I was actively and brutally severing myself. I felt a hole in me grow, an instability, a confusion, a fear and I told myself, I deserve it.
I died that day, figuratively speaking and has been a living zombie in a manner of speaking... I still am.
Daily itch on it, make the wounds fresh, cry about hurting and feel sorry for the people I hurt and sorry for myself. What is the use?
Such is guilt.
When it first started, I didn't even know I would be alive that evening. Every day I wake up, scold myself, look at myself in absolute disgust, do my work and cry in secret. I started cutting off everyone and anyone. But it was my parents, even with all their anger, kept me close and not be alone. I wouldn't be surprised if I would have gone mentally handicapped then.
But I learnt to distract myself, anything really, let it be YouTube, friends, drinks, driving... anything that can take my mind off. It helped me to not constantly think about what had happened, but still my mind was very restless, still in the verge of being suicidal.
But as time passed, the urge to end it on a whim subsided. I realized how much hurt I would be causing my parents with my death and I didnt want to hurt them more than I already had. That is when I had decided when my death would be. After the people who truly loves me pass away.
I researched on how to kill myself, when the time comes and I have an actionable plan with me. It is just a matter of time and that quietened my mind, it agreed to wait with strength. And I hope all this is not an excuse for the fear of death.
Half a dozen years has passed since the incident, outwards everything seems well and good. My death plan still remains, like a retirement plan, like a dream. I yearn for it, to put me out of my misery. My mind is an a complete state of unrest and I am tired of carrying all this weight. But I find strength in going because currently the purpose of my life is my parents. I won't take an action which will bring them immense sorrow.
My original plan was to write till here, as this was my experience. But to write this, to put it into words, I was researching. I bounced ideas of chat-gpt and relied on YouTube to research on guilt. So from here on it is all theoretical for me. It has hopes in it, but I don't know whether it is shallow like one of those motivational speakers.
I came to realize that guilt is a state where you know you did something you shouldn't. During a particular situation, two layers of the three layer model of right and wrong were misaligned. Thereby you made a decision. Either due to external influence or the lack of your own conviction in the layer you had chosen to weigh it against, you have come to a conclusion that what you did is wrong, that conclusion is guilt.
While some of these guilt can be repaired by doing the right actions, Others are not something you can simply repair, you can only move on or you can die. But our brains have a tendency to want to fix things and so, it comes back to your lowest moment again and again trying to find a solution when there is none. This leaves you feeling completely helpless and even handicapped. This is where I have been stuck for many years now. longing for something I can never have.
Now researching on the topic, I do see many verses in the topic, saying detachment to the outcome your actions brought you is the key to letting things go, But this is much easier than done. How can I simply detach? I am a cumulative of everything I have done up till this point. How can I keep myself accountable if I detach from my old self? Thinking of it as if someone else did it, not me, is me running away from what I did.
Elevate yourself through the power of your mind, and not degrade yourself, for the mind can be the friend and also the enemy of the self.
Gita Chapter 6 Verse 5
But this detachment was better explained by Sri Sri Ravishankar. It was something which has given me a ray of hope which is otherwise was dark.
He said few things which resonated with me very well. I am not quoting it since it is not his exact words and I am even merging multiple things together, but I hope it captures the message he was saying.
- Your old self did a mistake, there is no action you can do which is perfect. Sometimes it is 1% wrong and other times it is 99%. There is no action you can do perfectly well. All you can do is learn from your mistakes and make your mind capable of not repeating that mistake. Hope that you will be blessed with wisdom for the future.
- Your old self did a mistake and he died long ago. Why is your new self punishing your new self for a mistake that your old self did? It is not the person today who committed the wrong.
- Instead of saying you moved from one level of imperfection to a level of perfection, it is better to think of yourself as you moved from one level of perfection to an another layer of perfection, as shown in the embeded video.
Just to clarify again, all this Positive parts are new to me, I cannot vouche for it's validity, but it has given me a new hope.
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