Poison it all

 

Embedded above is a video of a Buddhist monk talking about the Three Poisons of Life — greed, hatred, and delusion. What struck me was how closely it lines up with a teaching from the Bhagavad Gita:

“There are three gates leading to the hell of self-destruction for the soul—lust, anger, and greed. Therefore, one should abandon all three.”

— Gita, Chapter 16, Verse 21

Different words, same message. Both point to the same inner enemies that quietly eat you alive.

The Gita talks in more detail about lust and anger, and discusses delusion in other places — usually tied to ego, pride, or false identity. Buddhism uses the word rāga, often translated as greed, but really it points to craving of all kinds. Lust, greed, the need to possess, the desire to escape — it's all in there.

So when you put it all together, what you're left with are three poisons:

1. Desire
2. Hate
3. Delusion

Upon discovering this, They do seem to connect to the guilt and shame I’ve been carrying and so I am writing this. However, these are new topics to me and so I do not know about it's effectiveness in addressing the shame.

Desire : 

Desire, for me, is the starting point. What I did — what I regret — came from lust. But the suffering didn’t stop there. I still suffer because I keep desiring that it hadn’t happened. I want the past to be different, but that’s a fantasy. And that craving just keeps hurting.

Krishna warns about this. He calls lust an all-devouring enemy that clouds the mind and burns like fire.

It is lust alone, which is born of contact with the mode of passion, and later transformed into anger. Know this as the sinful, all-devouring enemy in the world.

Just as a fire is covered by smoke, a mirror is masked by dust, and an embryo is concealed by the womb, similarly one’s knowledge gets shrouded by desire.

The knowledge of even the most discerning gets covered by this perpetual enemy in the form of insatiable desire, which is never satisfied and burns like fire, O son of Kunti. _ Gita chapter 3 verse 37-39

Aṅguttara Nikāya 3.69 suggests that contentment is the antidote to desire. I assume it means, I need to feel content with what I have today, which makes sense as I am no longer in the worst place. It is possible to achieve contentment from where I stand, especially since it is no longer stinging like it used to. I hope the revisiting of the memories will desensitize what sensitivity is left and hope I can achieve contentment.

Other Buddhism sources suggests that the antidote to this poison is to cultivate selflessness, generosity, detachment and contentment. It suggests to contemplate  on the impermanence and identify that it is a mistake to believe that the happiness is external.

Hate : 

Hate comes next. My wish that the past was different is also rooted in hate. I hate what I did. I hate that I can’t fix it. 

Krishna says lust becomes anger, and I’ve seen that play out. What started as desire turned inward, became anger at myself. And now, maybe it's not anger anymore, but something quieter — resentment, maybe. I don’t hate myself exactly, but I hate where I’ve landed. And that’s what makes me want to walk away from it all.

While contemplating on the objects of the senses, one develops attachment to them. Attachment leads to desire, and from desire arises anger. 

Anger leads to clouding of judgment, which results in bewilderment of memory. When memory is bewildered, the intellect gets destroyed; and when the intellect is destroyed, one is ruined. _ Gita chapter 2 Verse 62-63

Aṅguttara Nikāya 3.69 suggests that Love is the antidote to hate. That sounds impossible, You dont get to choose love, but maybe it just means learning to love the fact that I’m still here. That things are at least better than they were. Not perfect, but not rock bottom either.

Other Buddhist sources suggest to cultivate loving-kindness, compassion, patience and forgiveness. It suggests that we should meet our own unpleasant feeling with patience, kindness, forgiveness and compassion, the same way a monk would react to an external unpleasant experience. I assume this can be applied more effectively for me.

I like that idea. I’m not sure how to do it, but I’d like to try.

Delusion :

Delusion is harder. It’s the one I don’t really know how to talk about. This is where the shame sits deepest. Some of what I did came from beliefs that, in hindsight, were completely irrational. I look back and think — how could I have thought that was okay? But at the time, it felt real. And now I’m scared to even say it out loud, because what if people think I am lying to save my skin? Or manipulating the truth suit my narrative? So I stay silent. It doesnt matter what I once believed, I know my actions were wrong.

Below is how Krishna categorizes a delusional mind. But as per my broader understanding, according to Gita and Hindu Scriptures anything done with ego is considered delusional. I am nowhere near that level to understand it, but let's take Krishna's words :

That intellect which is shrouded in darkness, imagining irreligion to be religion, and perceiving untruth to be the truth, is of the nature of ignorance, O Parth._Gita Chapter 18 verse 32

The willpower by which one holds on to duty, pleasures, and wealth, out of attachment and desire for rewards, is determination in the mode of desire. (which was the first poison) _ Gita Chapter 18 verse 34

The unintelligent resolve where one does not give up dreaming, fearing, grieving, despair, and conceit. _ Gita Chapter 18 verse 35

The happiness which covers the nature of the self from beginning to end, and which is derived from sleep, indolence, and negligence, is said to be in the mode of ignorance. _Gita Chapter 18 verse 39

Aṅguttara Nikāya 3.69 suggests that understanding is the antidote to delusions.
Other Buddhist sources suggest to cultivate wisdom, insight and right understanding. Learn to experience reality as it is, without the distortions of our self-centered desires fears and expectation.

I don’t know if any of this really helps. These teachings offer steps, sure — contentment, compassion, insight — but whether they actually work for me, I don’t know yet. I didn’t even have much to say on delusion because we do not know what is a delusion and what is real. That would be the very definition of delusion.

Still, reflecting like this helps. Maybe it doesn't fix anything, but it makes things a bit more visible. And maybe that’s enough for now.